Thursday, March 12, 2009

Regret.

Websters defines this word as:

1 a: to mourn the loss or death of b: to miss very much
2
: to be very sorry for <regrets his mistakes>


I try to live life without regret and I think I do a pretty good job until you factor in our girls. Tomorrow Mary Kate and Ashley will be One!!! As I look back over this past year, the entire definition of that word could be applied. Now, please do not think that I'm not happy or grateful for all that I have and for how things have turned out because I am... more than I could ever explain. This past week, watching the "babies" play, I have mourned the loss of them being teeny tiny little babies, I miss that part of them dearly. I don't feel like I had near enough time to just sit and hold them and now it's gone. I look back over the last year and it's a complete blur. I remember so many times thinking just hold on and get through it, now that I have a better handle on things I realize that just getting through it, was not good enough, and it's cost me. Sure, I managed to keep everyone alive, healthy, fed, and cleaned (for the most part) but that mentality has led me to being able to count on my hands the amount of times I have actually rocked these babies before bed time, sat with them individually to read a story or just sat and held them because nothing in the world at that time was more important or mattered in the least little bit.

We can't stop time or even slow it down, but it is up to us to make the most of what time we do have with our precious little beings. I think regret is something I will always feel, and although it may not always be the appropriate emotion because a lot of it is out of my control, if it makes me slow down and change, I'll take it.

2 comments:

Madie's Mom said...

Without a doubt...you are a wonderful mother!!!!!!

Happy Birthday Mary Kate and Ashley!

Poodlehead said...

I have struggled with this for many years. What I have discovered is that you have to remember that there are definite times when you are holding them, breathing them in, that you are in that moment and nothing is better. It's just you and that child and the world is perfect.

You've had those - hundreds of those moments - you just can't remember them all and now it seems like there's not enough. But if you just let it be and don't waste one moment on regret then it's not wasted time. You knew what you were doing. You didn't go through it blindly.

It's sad to see our kids grow up but exciting too. I know.