Thursday, May 08, 2008

"Eat Mor Chikin"

I'm not a very good cook. I like to think that I can follow a recipe or throw together some hamburger helper when I need to. But in reality, I'm a cooking nightmare. Gordon Ramsey would call me an F'ing Donkey and kick me out of his kitchen so fast my head would spin.

With advice and reassurance from Random Mommy, that her recipe for crockpot chicken was crazy easy, I decided to give it a go. I've been eying these whole chickens for a couple of weeks, just paralyzed by the thought of bringing one into my kitchen to cook.... on my own. Mommapeas tried this recipe recently and said it was easy and good. She had never cooked a whole chicken either. I should have known though. You see, Mommapeas is like our resident Martha Stewart. She does everything well, she likes to play coy, but she totally rocks it. You should see the beautiful blankets and burp rags she made the twins... She even made a car seat cover, but I digress.

I bought the bird, brought it home and stuck it in the fridge. The directions said to prepare the bird the night before and have it ready for the crockpot the next morning. So, at 11:00pm, I get up the nerve to go in there and figure this thing out. Shouldn't be too hard as I was told that all of the "innards" came tied up neatly in a little baggie.... LIARS. My bird had no bag! It was completely and totally, bag-less. As this bird sat in my sink, I had to think long and hard about how to get the nastiness out without throwing up all over my kitchen, although I think I may have vomited in my mouth slightly. I was about to scrap the whole thing, throw it away and resign myself to the fact that Domino's can deliver to my door in 30 minutes or less. Then I decided to man up and just do it..... I stuck my hand inside of this bird and pulled out everything that was loose. Gagging the entire time, and thinking only about how I was going to have to to dip my entire body in clorox and spend the next few hours scouring my kitchen with bleach.

I cooked the chicken yesterday and of course I screwed it up -- I didn't put it on until late in the day, I forgot to put the onion in, and left out my handy little liner to make clean up a breeze. I will say, with my best Christian Siriano voice, the taste was "fierce." However, my presentation of this meal was a "hot mess." Hunks of chicken on a plate, and the carnage, oh! the carnage. The meat was so tender that it literally fell to pieces in the crockpot. I had no idea what to do with it after we ate. A complete mess of meat and bones piled in my crockpot.

Question? How are you supposed to know if all of the insides are wrapped neatly in a little package for you to easily and somewhat sanitarily (is that a word?) remove? Shouldn't there be a label somewhere on the bird? A warning of sorts. If I can't figure that one out, a whole chicken will most likely never see the inside of my kitchen again. Bok! Bok!


Anonymous said...

Oh man. I could have written this one! I've invested in boxes of disposable gloves to help me with all raw meet processes. :-) It's so bad that the other day I was breading chicken thighs without the gloves and my 2 and 3 year olds panicked and said, "MOMMY!!! Get your gloves!!"

I'd say to invest in those gloves, they are great for diaper changing also. Hehe, I'm not kidding.:-)

random_mommy said...

What on earth did you do to this poor bird??!!? The onion is crucial!!

Next time I make the chicken, I'll make you one too. I'll drop it off already de-giblet'ed and seasoned.

And I'll bring some gloves.

J said...

I was thinking the same thing. Next time we can do it together. I reserve my Clorox Cleanup use for when I prepare raw chicken - yuck. Oh to just have my own personal chef.

ShelbyAnne said...

I make boyfriend deal with messes like this. I'm pretty sure he'd marry a crockpot if his mom was ok with it. Proud of you for giving it a go, though! What a champ.

Anonymous said...

Don't be afraid to pass on the whole bird next time- use boneless chicken breast and extra chicken broth:) I do this when I am not in the mood to deal with a whole chicken. Now I am going to look for that recipie I<3 my crockpot!