Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Private Pooper.

Pooping is a funny thing. It's something that everyone does, and some people have no problem doing in public. Whether it's at a friends home, at a store, a football game, or restaurant, these people, "public poopers" if you will, can go anywhere, anytime. I can not. I need my privacy. I need time. Lots of time. Now that I'm in the 3rd trimester, things are slowing way down. Ask any other pregnant person you know. I don't even like to pee in a public restroom, much less poop. It has to be a serious "turtle head" type of an emergency to get me to poop outside the comforts of my own home.

So here I sit, in a hospital room with numerous people coming and going throughout the day, without notice. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to plan your pooping around the constant visitors? Between the Nurses, Doctors, PCA's, housekeeping, food service, hospital administrators and my regular friends and family, I figure I have a window of approximately 2.42 minutes each day to take care of this task.

It is quite the conundrum. I know I'm going to get caught one day, it's inevitable. The question is how do I handle the untimely visitors while sitting on the pot? My bathroom is right by the front door, do I yell from the bathroom? What would I say? What if they don't wait for an answer? (They usually don't.)

I do realize that I have issues, I know I have a problem. I wonder if there is some type of a 12 step program that can get me through this, a "Private Poopers Anonymous," of sorts. Maybe I'm just doomed to a life of anxiety ridden days. A life where I always wonder where I will be when the poop comes calling?

Side note
- in the time that it has taken me to write this post, I have had 4 different hospital appointed people in this room. I have had my blood pressure checked, temp taken, garbage collected, monitors adjusted and consulted with a case worker. Do you see what I'm saying here???


Anonymous said...

Oh, I so hear you & feel for you. I'm the exact same way. When I lived in the sorority house I used the guest bathroom downstairs to poo...few people even knew that BR existed, so I never had to worry about an unwelcome visitor.

random_mommy said...

Turtle head! HA!
You're as gross as my husband- he would be so impressed that you used such terminology!

If I were you, I'd yell "I'm pooping, go to the gift shop and buy me stuff, come back in 20!"

Julie said...

Found your blog via Catwoman. I have read a lot of blogs today about poop - something must be in the air (no pun intended!). I say you just gotta do what you gotta do - if someone enters the room turn on the water or hairdryer or something - pretend your doing something else.

Steph said...

Im sorry you cant go in private. Maybe make a sign for your outter door asking people not to come in?? Is that possible?

Anonymous said...

I laughed my fanny off!!! Your mom has probably told you about my own worries about that. It's why I don't eat at family get togethers. If it doesn't go in, then it won't have to come out. (Usually)
See you soon.
With much love,
Your Aunt

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! I think it's a big step forward to even talk about pooping. I just pretend I don't do it.

Anonymous said...

I forgot to mention this earlier, but I hope you are better at passing gas. I don't know if this is true with c-sections in general, but after mine I had lots of gas and lots of visitors. (Your mom said I looked as if there was another baby in me.) I am not only a "private pooper" I am also a "private pooter" and would have been mortified to have one slip out in front of anyone. You could start practicing now, just in case.
Lovingly, Your Aunt

Anonymous said...

Haha--"turtle head". SO true!! I have major poop phobias. Can't go anywhere, but home. If Jimmy's home, can't do it.

Your Aunt's comments are KILLING me, too. And, she's so right about the C-section gas :)

Crystal said...

I found your blog feed while I was on my reader. For some reason it popped up. As soon as I read this post I knew we were "kindred Spirits." So far, I've read several posts and I must say you have a great blog going on here. I can't beleive I hadn't found it before. Hopefully you don't mind if I add you to my daily readings blog roll. Good luck with those babies!! Keep 'em cookin.

Mary | Deep South Dish said...

Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest! Popping over to visit.

I am the same way - I have a shy kidney too!! And I do remember how sluggish the ole system got in the last trimester & near delivery. The hospital situation is so true - there are no fans or noise diversion in those bathrooms either and everything seems to echo! In that situation, best to excuse everybody from the room and have one trusted person - a parent or a spouse watch the door to the room. When nobody is there, a "In Bathroom, Privacy Please" sign might come in handy to hand on the door handle while you take a break!