Friday, September 28, 2007

Goin' Through The Big "D"

No, no marital problems, before you even have a stroke.... This is a divorce of a different kind. A friendship.

My best friend from high school (who happens to be a guy) married a girl about 5 or 6 years ago. Someone that I would not have been friends with under any other circumstances. I don't mean that in a bad way, we are, and have always been EXTREMELY different people. Night and Day. The only thing that we really had in common was that she was marrying my best friend.

We have had some great times throughout the years, bar hopping, traveling together, drunken sleepovers, she even worked for me for a little while, before having their first child, who is 2 years older than Munchkin. She quit to be a SAHM, I continued to work, with no plans for babies in the near future. Even after having their first child, we remained close, but something changed after I had the Munchkin. It all just started going down hill. We talked less, we saw each other even less than that. We thought maybe it was because we lived on really opposite ends of town, but when we moved in closer it didn't help.

She had her 2nd child in June, the day that we did back to back closings on the houses. I was not able to get to the hospital to see them until late that night, and the months following were hectic with repair people coming and going, keeping me busy trying to get the new house livable. This caused some serious resentment on her part that festered until this spring. We had not talked since December when she found out about my miscarriage, and called wanting us to get together to clear the air.

This seemed like a good idea, until I walked into a hornets nest of pettiness. She wanted me to come up with a list of everything she had ever done that bothered me, she was doing the same.. I had some serious stuff on my "list", she complained that I didn't have pictures of her kids on my fridge. All of the sudden my stuff seemed way too involved and I was afraid to bring it up, not wanting to cause any more hurt feelings. So we said our peace, said we would do better and went on our way. Only I was too uncomfortable to be around her, knowing everything I did was going to be scrutinized, and would be subject for another discussion later on. I made a few phone calls, invited them to a couple of things and let it go.

I got an email a couple of weeks ago, telling me again how much I had hurt her feelings and what I was doing wrong. I sent back an email being completely honest, making a few harsh observations about how different we are, and why I was choosing to distance myself from her... Then it was on!!! She retaliated by attacking me for things I had done or said over 4 years ago, putting me on a guilt trip talking about tragedies and how I would regret it if anything ever happened to her or her family, knowing I chose to throw this friendship away.

This I don't need. It's absurd to think that every little thing I ever say or do wrong will be thrown back in my face - even if I have apologized for it. You have to move on, already.

This is all new to me and seems like it's been handled terribly. I never like to burn bridges, and the days of Jr High are gone when you would just take back all of your New Kids on the Block stuff, and write bad things about each other in yearbooks.

How are you supposed to handle a break up as an adult? Should you weed people out of your life if they aren't "good" for you? I don't feel the need, at the age of 32, to try and reinvent myself into something that will please this one person. I have friends and family that seem to like me the way that I am. Are there things that I can improve on? Absolutely, but a complete overhaul is not something I'm up for, I'm happy with me, my family, friends and where we are in our lives.

Isn't that all that matters?


Hewy Nosleep said...

I never had to deal with that type of seperation. I was always able to just drift away over time. That's a hard deal.

TK said...

OK, so the dust is starting to settle and time to process has taken place. In my unprofessional opinion, you are bothered by this because you did care, despite how hard you try not too. This is your nature! You are not a mean person! You have a conscience, and it is talking to you now that you have processed everything. Besides, you know deep down that you have lost something else in this...her husband, your best friend of several years. As I mentioned previously, after a while, you will probably be acquaintances, but things will never be the same. As hard as it is, people change, therefore they grow apart. And yes, it does affect us. Be patient, the dust will continue to settle and eventually, things won't be so akward. The flip side is that I am sure is has been on her mind as much as it has your's. Surround yourself with the friends you have and love you very much! Like me and your mommies group buds. We are all here for you. Take advantage of it. Ok, maybe if just should have written this in an email...

Unknown said...

We have had that happen twice, both over SD. We got pregnant, the other two couples didn't.

One set we saw probably two or three times a week for three years. Loved them. Seriously destroyed us when, five weeks after the baby came they told us we were boring. Saw them two times after that & they moved to Colorado without even telling us. Awful.

The others were SOOO jealous we got pg & they didn't. She was one of my very best friends, but she lives life as a huge competition. We "beat" them to the baby & she flipped. We tried to stay in touch, but they were 1. resentful of our child 2. totally not supportive when we needed them 3. very mean about how schedules work. Flash forward to March, when I see her maybe once every three months, they adopt, and suddenly she wants me to drop everything to help her. Oh, and when I offered to throw her a baby shower at a time convenient to me, she was offended that it would be a month after they got the baby..and that they would have everything already (HA. I still buy stuff daily!!)! Seriously! I would think you'd just be grateful--period if someone wanted to give you a shower!

These divorces are more traumatic, I think, because you really may not see them coming. There's little you can do to change them. And, normally you'd run to these people with the problems.

Sorry this was the longest comment ever, but I just wanted you to understand I know EXACTLY how you feel.

*Yankee Belle* said...

Thank goodness you and I have a prenup. ha! ;)

My2Suns said...

First of all you are great the way you are! And second a true friend knows you and loves you "just the way you are" (I think that is how they said it in BJD)

random_mommy said...

I especially love you!

I think you're very honest, and very few people can handle honesty. Don't sweat it, we love you just the way you are.

Momo Fali said...

Oh, I'm so sorry. I've been through that myself. My best friend of 16 years and I "broke up" when I started dating my husband over 12 years ago. We just grew up to be different people, but it was hard to let go of the person who was joined at my hip for so many years. It's a shame you're going through this. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Wow... that's rough! What's your "best" friend say in all this? It's kind of too bad you have to lose him because of her. I haven't had to deal with a friend separation... usually the only friendships I've lost are due to distance and time.

Unknown said...

Your team fargin rocks! We have several obnoxious Florida friends. SO happy they got taken down by you guys! said...

My policy is if you bring negativity into my life and my family...I dont need you.

It may sound harsh but thats just how it is. Why deal with stuff you do not need too ?

It's hard to deal with but hang in there.